Mirror, Mirror

I don't think there is any more personal and mentally cumbersome time of day as those quiet moments when we lay our heads down in preparation for sleep. The limbo between wake and sleep is a strange state of being. As I have gotten older, it seems this specific time of day has become more challenging, more reflective in nature. I am insanely jealous of people who can hop right into bed, put a bow on the day, and drift off to slumber land on their big pillows. As a child, my mother would say, "When you lay your head down on your pillow at night, you need to be proud of what you accomplished that day and who you are. If you can do that, then you're okay." I am not sure if that is why I am so keenly aware of this time of day , but for me it has always been a kind of reflective measuring stick and personal mental confessional. I recall that I, more often than not, would lay there feeling guilty for all the things I did not accomplish that day versus feeling proud of myself for the things I had. I do not think this was the intended meaning behind the advice. Why is it that we look for negative first?

As I have mentioned before, as a kid, I felt like I was worthless because I thought I was overweight. I say "thought" because I most certainly was not. I was a child, growing up and through normal human development. At times, skinny as a rail and at other times not. But, when you are in those moments, as a child, adolescent, and young adult, you don't really pause to comfort yourself with the science of human development - you just beat yourself up for being human. It's ridiculous as we look back on that mental self depreciation now. The main thing, I recall, I would beat myself up about, on a regular basis, was that I had not 'worked out' that day. Every day, as a kid, I would set this expectation of myself that I would exercise, or do 100 sit ups, or something equally ridiculous. More often than I would like to admit, I would get back out of bed and hook my toes under the bed frame and do the 100 sit ups in the dark. Picture that, an 11-year old kid, probably in some level of rainbow or unicorn pajamas, still sleeping with a favorite teddy bear, getting out of bed to do sit-ups, so she wouldn't fall asleep hating herself. I am sad when I think back on that kid. I have forgiven her, but I believe this is, at least, part of the reason why this time of day - the suspended animation between wake & sleep - is such a hard reality for me. It is my moment of accountability and probably why I prefer to fall asleep with the tv on.

As I have grown older, I understand the wisdom better. It is not the day's specific checklist we need to mentally run through before sleep: carpets vacuumed - check, lunches packed - check, appropriate attention paid to all family members- check, check, check.... No. It is more general than that. It is about keeping that personal accountability. 'Did I do good today?' 'How can I be proud of myself tomorrow?' It is about becoming self-aware. Am I 'who' I want to be? It truly is you vs. you. So, how do we become accountable to ourselves without guilt? How do we learn to love and forgive ourselves without getting back out of bed to do the sit-ups?

Standing Man Michelangelo Pistoletto

The answer lies in our refection. I recently had a small cosmetic procedure done. Nothing wild, just something small I wanted to do for myself. At the end of the procedure, I sat in the chair, looking in a small hand mirror, as the physician requested. My eyes were instantly drawn to a small area of imperfection which remained. I expressed this concern to the doctor, who examined the area and repeatedly disagreed with me. "I just don't see what you're seeing." she said to me. "Can you point it out to me?" So I did. My finger, literally, on my face. "Here", I said. She looked at me, completely bewildered and then looked directly in my eyes and said, "That's just not the reality of the situation." The reality of the situation. I struggled with those words. Is it possible what I see is not as I am seen? Is it possible my relationship with a mirror is a private one - that what I see is literally only between me and me? And if so, wouldn't it be something to see ourselves, not as a refection, but rather through someone else's eyes. I wonder, whose eyes would you choose to look through? Would you choose the person who loves you deeply and unconditionally or would you choose the person who you know holds disdain for you? Or would you be afraid to look?

The false mirror, Rene Magritte

I have come to understand the mirror more as I approach the second half of my life. It is in the mirror where our personal accountability lies. It is not about the small imperfections or perfectly posed selfies (which I'll admit to). As we look in the mirror I challenge us to ask ourselves these questions:

Do I know this person?

Do I love this person?

Am I proud of this person?

Last week I bought a huge full length mirror to lean against the wall which I look at when I ride my bike. I was looking for accountability as I ride and to be able to correct imperfections in my posture. I wanted a mirror to help me find the flaws in the reflection. A strange thing happened though, during my first ride facing a mirror. For once, I did not see the flaws. I did not see the imperfections (which do indeed exist). As I rode for the first time able to watch myself, I saw a strong, capable, resilient person doing their best. I saw someone I could be proud of. As I watched, my confidence grew and the challenge became more attainable.

The mirror plays tricks if you let it. It can be both enemy and ally. Consider this though, you are the only one looking in it at yourself. What are you looking for as you gaze? Imperfections? Flaws? Or do you look deeper? Do you see strength of character? Do you see integrity? Do you see as you are seen?

What you look for, you will find, if you can see past your reflection.

Your vessel moves forward on the reflection of the water, leaving waves of rippling effects behind it. It is on that reflection through which it stays afloat.